Palomar Mountain Love shoot: Pursuing & Withdrawing

Today we are talking about a really important aspect of ALL relationships. It is a common pattern called “Pursue, Withdraw.” In plain English, it is when one person wants more closeness from the other, so they pursue in a plea for attention and love. Many times, this causes the other partner to feel claustrophobic or overwhelmed, so they distance themselves. If this behavior is not fixed, the pattern feeds itself and worsens as more distance creates more frantic pursuing and more pursuing creates more and more distance.

We are going to talk about how to first recognize this pattern, and second, how to have a balanced relationship where there is an equal amount of pursuing. I’m going to give you a couple examples and I want you to think of times this has happened to you in past/current relationships.

Recognizing the pattern: pursuing and withdrawing can manifest itself in smaller doses and even in daily routines. Example #1: If one person is working and the other is not, the one who is not working may feel left out and lonelier. They may text their partner more often and find themselves reaching out more than the other. This can cause feelings of inequality, but not because the other person doesn’t care. It is simply, a difference of schedule and routine.

Example #2: I had an ex-boyfriend once who was very up and down with this pattern. We started dating, and at the beginning of our relationship, he worked so hard to make me happy. He bought me gifts, planned really nice dates, and even told me he loved me really early on. I started developing really strong feelings as well, so I returned all the love and the gifts and the planning. But, as soon as I was no longer hard to get, he started to back away. I got scared and began calling and texting and frantically trying to keep the relationship together. (I was THAT crazy girlfriend.) Pretty soon, I got worn out and stopped trying. Then something amazing happened! He started pursuing me again! (Let me tell you, it feels really dang good to be the one pursued, and really dang crappy to be the one chasing after a person who doesn’t want it.) We went back and forth with this pattern in our relationship, so it’s no surprise that it ended.

Hopefully, you have a pretty good idea what I am talking about, and maybe you even recognize which position you hold in your relationship. Are you the one pursuing? Or are you the one getting overwhelmed and backing away? Many studies show that Men are more commonly the withdrawers, but that is rarely the case in my relationship with Matt, so just use whatever knowledge you have to help you in the next section of our discussion.

Creating Equality: The first step to equality is changing the pattern. Here is a quote from Dr. Lerner: “The pursuer is the one in more distress about the distance, and more motivated to change the pattern. For this reason, the pursuer is often best served by discovering ways to call off the pursuit—and there are ways to reconnect with a distancing partner that don’t involve aggressive pursuing. A distancer may feel unhappy about how things are going in a relationship, but he or she is still more likely to maintain the status quo than to move toward a partner who is in pursuit mode.”

Both parties need to give a little. The pursuer needs to back off, and the withdrawer needs to be a little more vulnerable. This will give the pursuer the confidence he/she needs in the relationship and will also allow the withdrawer to feel more independent and more in control of the situation. The worst thing you can do, is keep on pursuing intently when the other person is not in a place to listen or understand. It may cause them to explode or leave the relationship all together in hopes to get some freedom and peace.

Lastly, remember this important truth. You cannot change your partner, but you can change yourself. Look at the position you are in and make things better on your end. By doing this, your partner will most likely follow, and peace will be attainable.

On another note, is my family not the cutest or what!?

Photographers: https://www.instagram.com/dallinandcienna/

Location: Palomar Mountain CA