Lexi + Austin: What makes a Marriage succeed?

One thing I LOVE to do in my spare time is read books about marriage. I find relationships fascinating, and I like having some explanation behind my own relationship difficulties. I’ve only been married for 3 years, (I know, sooooo long haha) but I have quickly realized it is no walk in the park. We fight, disagree, get on each-other’s nerves, and oftentimes, I need a break. Not the kind of break Ross & Rachel had (sorry I love “Friends” and I find that it relates to every aspect of my life). I just need some time to myself to regroup and think. Marriage, and frankly all relationships, are HARD. There is nothing wrong with admitting that and nothing wrong with sharing the imperfections.

 So…back to my marriage book obsession. I have been reading “The 7 principles for making marriage work”, by John Gottman, and I want to share some of my favorite insights. First off, Gottman is pretty cool. He is known for his ability to predict whether or not a couple will stay together after watching them interact for just 5 minutes! Crazy right?

Let’s address the BIG question. Why do some marriages flop while others flourish? What is special about those couples who Gottman predicts will last? Is there something that sets them apart? Is it money? Religion? Is there a magic recipe to follow for a happy relationship? The dynamics between couples are so complex and all of them are on an individual basis, so no, there is no secret recipe that will work for every couple. But…. there are certain characteristics that happy couples have, and we can mimic these in our own lives with our partner. To my surprise, these behaviors, are very simple.

“Happy couples are not smarter, richer, or more psychologically sound than others, but in their day to day lives, they have hit upon a dynamic that keeps their negative thoughts and feeling about each other, (which all couples have) from overwhelming their positive ones. They have what I call, an emotionally intelligent marriage.”

The best part about emotional intelligence? It can be taught and it can be learned! You may be thinking (I was when I first read this book) What the heck is emotional intelligence and how does it apply to marriage? In the simplest of terms, it is the ability to be aware of, express, and control your emotions, as well as understand and respond to others emotions in an empathetic way.

When couples exercise this principle in their relationship, they do more than just respond to their spouse. They listen, internalize, engage, and offer assistance in the form of love. Your spouse should be your biggest fan, your partner in crime, the Sonny to your Cher, and whatever other cheesy line there is for unifying two people. In turn, you need to be this for your spouse! You can’t have your cake and eat it too. There’s work to be done for both parties.

Yesterday, I was scrolling through really old pictures from when Matt & I were dating and I was obsessed with using one specific filter. It made all my pictures look super faded and I remember Matt telling me one day that he didn’t like it. I responded with, “oh well, these are my pictures and I’m doing what I want with them.” I did not hear another word about it until yesterday when I was scrolling and I said, “Ewwww I did that to my pictures? Why?” He responded with, “haha yeah I never liked that filter.” The point of this story is that he was my biggest fan. No, he did not like the way I edited my pictures, but he and I both knew that it was a phase I was going through. I needed to experiment, and he was there by my side giving me his opinions, not giving or taking away permission, because if you are truly your spouse’s partner, you don’t need to ask each other for permission to explore.

So…if you are struggling to see value in your partner or your relationship, start by learning more about emotional intelligence, and start finding positive things about your spouse. It is no more complicated than deciding to eat oatmeal for breakfast. The doing is a little more complicated, and may take some time, but the decision should be simple.

Did anyone else LOVE the fair this year? It was awesome. The food, the bands, the money sucking shoot in the hoop games that Matt falls for every time haha. Austin & Lexi were awesome! Are they gorgeous or what? My favorite part of this shoot were the photo bombers near the end....scroll down to see :)